Judging Dread

Can I get a high five for this heading? Hoo Haah *palm smash*

Dread is a heavy word, isn’t it?  It weighs a lot to feel it, to hide feeling it, to give it the time of day when it won’t let you do anything else.  A word made of cement and worry and unsettling discomfort.  A heavy, heavy word.

I used to think that it didn’t really matter how negative your thoughts were, as long as no one could tell you were thinking them.  I don’t think that anymore.  In fact, I dropped that thought in the sand and ran and ran until I saw Egypt and the moon rising and another month peeling off the calendar like dead skin from a sun burnt arm.

One of my goals this year was to shed dread.  That feeling that comes on Sunday night, or when someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer.  Or the fact that it’s Tuesday morning when you want it to be Saturday afternoon.  Whatever the disease, dread is the symptom.  And I went searching for the cure.

I am one millionth of the way to figuring it out, but here’s what I’ve learnt so far.  Dread is in no way useful.  Guilt, worry, sadness, any of these colours on the super grey rainbow of negative feelings can sometimes come with lessons or warnings or ‘At least I’ll never do that again’ bumper stickers.  Not dread, dread is like an empty ice tray, useful to no one at all. The good news is, that makes it easier to let it go.  Shake it off.  Choose not to feel it anymore.  Retrain your brain to take itself down another path.

Your brain deserves better.  Better than dread.  Your soul, your thoughts, your ideas, deserve more than being plagued by a feeling that won’t bring anything but darkness.  Your beloveds deserve better than dread, they deserve love and warmth and the best of you.  The banquet that is your life deserves better ingredients.

I still feel it, a lot of the time, sneaking up on me like a rash.  But I’ve learnt to identify it as that, a rash, not necessary to make the moment more important or relevant.  Just an empty ice tray.  I’m learning to let it go.  To (sometimes literally) breathe it away.  To make space for thoughts that matter.  And thoughts that make more thoughts that matter.  All the colours of the rainbow kind of thoughts.

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Comments

  1. Ryan says:

    Here here

  2. Shmyril says:

    Amazing post.

  3. AntK says:

    incredible writing ,I feel quite emotional …. and more aware too
    brilliant piece

  4. AntK says:

    also HIGH 5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Ms. Ameezing says:

    AntK – long distance high five!
    Thank you Ryan and Shmyril :)

  6. London Kurt says:

    Such powerful thoughts Camilla…… The best thing is you’ve identified the area you want to change, the change part should be much easier now.

    If I can suggest something that might show you a way to get rid of dread, try and buy a copy of the Anthony robbins – get the edge series. It is amazing! I have the audio of the first two days and could email it in a few parts if you like, it touches on exactly what you have spoken about.

    If not, have a listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJwEZ_D3ggo its a good place to start.

    Happy listening :)

  7. Ms. Ameezing says:

    Hey London Kurt,
    Thanks so much for the feedback. I look forward to starting with the Tony Robbins
    video.
    Will let you know how it goes :)

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